I'm not sure what I'm looking for

[kanugget]

I've been on this site for a few months but haven't posted yet. I even went on a date with a guy I met on this site but nothing happened after that first date. I've come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me.

Not, "omg I'm so fat and ugly I'll never find love because I'm so disgusting and unlovable," wrong but that I'm really not sure what I'm looking for.

I'll start with a little history of my dating life. I've had 1 boyfriend, who I dated for a month and a half when I was 14. He was really dumb and I couldn't stand dating someone of such lower intellect. I know that sounds shallow, but I was 14 at the time.

Since then I've been on a bunch of first dates but no second dates. A couple times there just wasn't a connection, at least one the guy turned out to be a jerk. But I've never felt anything, other than desire to just have a boyfriend in general, for any of them.

The last guy I went on a date with I kind of did like a lot, but he was 10 years older than me and I since that made him feel awkward and he never messaged me again and I was so nervous to message him and that was, like 2 months ago and there is not salvaging that now.

I keep wondering what could be wrong with me. Am I scared of commitment? Do I maybe like girls instead of boys? Or do I just need to get back on the horse and keep trying?

The weird part is that there are two guys at my college who I kind of like who I think like me back but I won't go for it. I'm not sure if I'm scared of rejection or if I really just don't like them.

Perhaps I'm going after the wrong type of guys. I tend to get crushes on nerds (which is probably a little obviously seeing as I'm on this site) but if I had to be honest with myself I think the perfect guy would a badass nonconformist who thought my nerdy ramblings were adorable.

Then there is the whole bi-curious thing. I have a lot more female friend than male. I get physically closer with my female friends too. I'm actually willing to hug my female friends. Could I perhaps be gay? I've wondered for years but I always told myself that at the very least I'm bisexual, but this past year I realized how distant I am with my male friends. I don't know if that's because I'm so attracted to guy that my body gets nervous and refuses to physically close until we get really comfortable with each and they make the first move or if I'm closer with girls because I can relate better to them, as friends, or what?

I know this post is a whole lot and I probably rambled a lot and you all probably think I'm crazy. I'm just so confused and conflicted and sometimes an outsider and see better than those on the inside. So what do you guys think I should do?

[realms18]

`Firstly, "Badass Nonconformists" are actually just semi-sociopathic @ssh*les who use people for their own gain -- I've had dozens and dozens of female friends over the years who play that game --two have been beaten, one was,all have ended up miserable.
I cannot see anything wrong with you, you sound quite normal, and most people go through the same things at some time in their life. I too have only had one girlfriend, though it lasted for years --even though we were miserable --so that's not good either. I too have been a complete failure at all my relationships with women. There is not a goddamn thing wrong with either of us. Both of us ARE AWESOME people. Take some time, sort out what you want. I'm 27 and i'm JUST getting a handle on what I want.
As for being stuck on first dates, It's probably just that you can't get into a person cause you are nervous at first and don't get to know em better. Make a friend of a guy you might like to date and see where things go. Every girl I've ever dated was a friend first, and it's true they didn'tturn out well, but it's a matter of time.

[xyz3d]

`You worry about what people will think of you and generally the opposite S-- has more of a weight attached to their "like" than someone of the same sex, because generally your not hoping to sleep with your friends or have a relationship love-wise. If you can get over caring what people think of you and knowing your fine the way you are the sooner you won't worry about what to say/do/think and you will just do it. Yes dating makes people sweat bullets, because it is unknown and we worry about the unknown the better approach is to do what you want to do the worst thing that can happen is you two decide your not a good match for each other and move on it isn't the end of the world. When looking for people to date expect to be rejected 9 out of 10 times this is normal.

[kh2lover]

`Oh my gosh I can totally relate with you on the whole whats going on with me deal. The only boyfriend I ever had was when I was 12. He was two years older than me and was looking for more than just a cute middle school relationship. Since then I haven't had a single boyfriend and I've never been on a date ever!! I feel like a failure. I hope you've had better luck since your post.