Cheated on

[awesomov]

I met a girl who was sixteen (I was nineteen at the time), whom I had a relationship with 'til she was eighteen. Because she was sixteen (despite our case being technically legal), my parents were on a constant rampage about the whole relationship and didn't stop until we broke up.

That's not how we broke up, though. My father kicked me out of the house and I had to move a couple of hours away, so I rarely got to see my girlfriend. We still decided to keep the relationship going. I knew I had the resolve and patience to wait, but she apparently didn't. It only took her about a month or two to cheat, and it went on for a few months before she claimed she was constantly being "raped". I believed it at first, but the fact that it kept happening and she wasn't reporting the guy, even after being told to do so by myself and a couple of others, I figured that wasn't the case. She never fully admitted it, but the fact that she lied about a couple of other obvious little things made it clear she was willing to lie about that, too.

Now, here's the kicker: because of our situation, I decided after much inner anguish to forgive her. I figure that probably makes me one of the nicest damned boyfriends ever. Anyway, not long afterward, she literally had the gall to break up with me. That was my token of thanks: a break-up. She wrote a break-up letter mentioning problems she had with me that I didn't even know about (this is despite telling her she could, and should, tell me anything), and blocked all attempts at a discussion. She was even crazy enough to threaten a restraining order in her break-up letter, for what reason I have no clue because I'd done absolutely nothing to deserve it (whenever we fought, I was fairly calm and supportive, even giving hugs and such). I was upset of course, but after a couple of days, I realized that most of what she said was explainable or based on stupid trivialities anyway, and that if she was willing to be incredibly rude to me, she wasn't worth it anyway.

That was a couple of years ago, and I haven't been able to find anyone to this day. She, on the other hand, has found more boyfriends with ease, which should say a lot. My life's been pretty much down the tubes ever since, but she's still living happy as can be. Oh well, at the very least I'm figuring out what I want and what I definitely will not do to other people. That much I can say positively.

Anyway, enough of my boring monologue. I'd love to see break up stories of others, even if your story isn't as bad as mine (I'm sure there's worse out there, too). Feel free to spill your guts.

[alikakadri (deleted)]

`there are people like that all over the place, guys and girls. They seem to have a twisted sense of relationships and an emotionally abusive behavior toward lovers while acting completely normal in public. They even manage to fool others into thinking they're the ones being mistreated. I believe the term used to describe them is "histrionic narcissistic". Yep, that's right, selfish, self-centered and the world revolves around them, everyone else in their life is wrong no matter what.
It's always hard to care about someone who just never cared about you, but only saw you as the mirror for their own feelings of themselves. Takes a while to realize they don't really care, too.
I've been living with one for way too long, so I kind of feel your pain there.

Anyway, hope you find someone good and I hope that having given a name/definition to what happened helps you make sense of it and heal.

[awesomov]

`I knew what histrionic narcissism was, but didn't realize it could be applied here. Fits just about perfectly.

Either way, that's definitely true about her acting as if she was the one mistreated. I'm sure she still does, and I'm also sure nobody really knows better.

[alikakadri (deleted)]

`Having a foot (possibly both) in dealing with special needs kids/people, I can hazard an educated guess that there's probably many levels of histrionic narcissism out there... shades of gray, you know.

just don't ask me to write a thesis on it lol

[shadowsiren87 (deleted)]

`Wow - that's quite the break up story. She really should have just been honest to begin with. I met my ex in high school - well the summer before high school. I was 13 and he was 16 so we got a lot of crap for that. We stayed together on and off for the next 10 years. When I was 17 we moved in together and I feel that is when things started falling apart. Although we lived together we weren't close anymore. There wasn't much there. Then a year before we broke up he proposed. (Mind you there was always him constantly flirting with other girls but never cheating until the end of our relationship). So I said yes, this was the only relationship I've ever had (I only talked/flirted with others when we had breaks) so anyway.. one day, a month before we were getting married, I logged into his bank account (which we both had access to each others and I mainly took care of expenses) and I found a transaction for a hotel stay (which I thought he was sleeping at a friends house that night). So I dug further and found out he was cheating on me with a coworker, not only that but he talked about and put me down to this girl whom I never even met before. He denied it at first, then he had the audacity to get mad, then nothing.. he gave me no reaction. So I called it off and a week before I was moving out he came to me crying saying he wanted a second chance. I tried, we went on a date and when he kissed me I felt nothing but disgust and that was that. It wasn't meant to be.

While we were broken up I was very angry, not only because I was betrayed but he took most of my belongings as well. In fact, I gave the wedding ring back to him because I wanted no part in it. I also paid a few bills we had together. It took me awhile to really let that anger go, but when I did I felt so extremely relieved and happy. And I didn't have that hiding pressure I felt when I was with him. I am more like myself now, and I don't hold things back. So in the end I really believe it was for the best.

The fact that she threatened a restraining order is completely childish. In all of our anger and hate neither of us got a restraining order - although there were some very harsh words that were said. Mainly on my part because I was so angry about the whole ordeal. But I think he went through kind of the same thing - he never fully admitted to cheating, even denied it at first. I think the reason people get away with it for so long is because they take advantage of the other person's trust. After a handful of bad relationships after that it is still hard for me to fully trust. And that isn't 100% that particular relationships fault but it plays a factor.