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The complexities of nerd dating
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rainycourtyard
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Posted:     Post subject: The complexities of nerd dating

I've never understood how nerd dating works. From what I gather nerds tend to date other nerds, who are found through common interests. Since nerds are so passionate about their interests, this makes sense to me.

But what I don't get is why there are so many of us that have small circles of friends and thus limit ourselves in the "pool" of dating possibilities. Awkward social interaction? Fear of rejection? Or is there a magic formula to nerd dating and I'm just approaching this the wrong way?

Cheers,

Laura
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gilravadry




gilravadry

Joined:
October 22, 2007
Posts: 39

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You seem to be right on your suppositions. Nerds (Geeks, oddballs, the eccentirc or what-have-you..), at least based on my experience, have issues with romatic endeavours because it's been hard-wired that we're on the fringe of society, and as such it 'puts a member of the opposite S-- off'. It seems the the only appropriate match is another like-minded individual.

I should also point out that geography has a lot to factor in as well. The closet geek out in rural Kansas may have no potential in the 'pool' around his area, whereas someone in the sprawl of a metropolitan area of L.A. or Portland finds that his pool is wider, because of the higher concentration of nerds per-capita. *grin* Especially, I might add, if someone uses a non-mainstream internet dating site. There is a math to it...a equation of a whole with many divisions, and you find that you wind up with a very small pool, the more stringent you are.

-Ryan


-Stay safe, carry ALWAYS, and when the need is greatest, a 1911 is faster than 911.
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donateblood




donateblood

Joined:
December 3, 2007
Posts: 9

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I have to agree with you. I moved from Milwaukee to the middle of nowhere OH and now I can't find any nerds/geeks. When you go to school you form a group of friends that you hang out with, meet some nerds, stay friends. Nerds hang out with other nerds and you get introduced to more members of the "pool" that way; however, when you remove yourself from familiar places it's just so hard to find your way into someone else's pool...lol

Heather

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trondant
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Posted:     Post subject:

is that any different from other groups? Doesn't everybody connect more easily with people with similar interests?

Tea. why be average?
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malcolmreynolds




malcolmreynolds

Joined:
January 24, 2008
Posts: 8

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jeez, this is a subject i think about daily. i mean, i'm not like 'socially retarded', i get on with people, but to be honest i don't really wanna go out with one more girl who thinks it's lame i watch buffy and read comics and stuff.

it would be a dream come true to be able to share this stuff with someone x

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malcolmreynolds




malcolmreynolds

Joined:
January 24, 2008
Posts: 8

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[deleted]
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malcolmreynolds




malcolmreynolds

Joined:
January 24, 2008
Posts: 8

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ok, so tonight i met this amazing girl. she's beatiful and has a great sense of humour and is just plain AWESOME.

i took a chance for the first time in ages and it paid off. i'm seeing her tomorrow and i'm smiling ear to ear.

sometimes like is kickin-rad

x

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johnwpxp




johnwpxp

Joined:
February 22, 2008
Posts: 1

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.hey bunny nice to meet you i was thinking there have to be prople out there like me somewhere. What do you think about games. I love rpgs that i can really get into. so enough about me what do you do for fun? email back if ya get a chance, later.

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calbookishgirl_PREV
(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

I have to admit that I'm surprised nobody else has mentioned online dating!

The last three boyfriends I have had I met online. The one before that I met at a renaissance faire.

I am always a different sort of nerd than the ones I date, I'm mostly an academic nerd. I have dated larpers, gamers, software engineers, math dorks. I think nerds tend to be more tolerant of dorky interests, even if they aren't precisely the same ones. Who am I to complain about my boyfriend being a star trek geek when I was an active renaissance faire person for about seven years?

For that reason I think it's productive to find nerds of different types to socialize with. Even if you don't share interests, you probably share some attitudes about socializing, ideas in general, and well...being nerdy.

Paige
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moeinphoenix_PREV
(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

`Hello all!

I am a newb here but not to online dating! I wanted to comment on malcolmreynolds statement that it would indeed be a dream come true to find a like minded woman who shares at least some of the same interests I do from the stand point of being a geek or nerd. (Congrats btw malcolmreynolds on your recent 'find')

I also agree with gilravadry and donateblood that geography can play into this big time as it does in any online dating site for anyone. I live in Phoenix Arizona and my hope is that out of 4million plus inhabitants in the metro area, there has to be at least one geekette/nerdette out there who's eye I may catch in time Smile How much luck have any of you here had in that area?

Anyway, wanted to introduce myself and say hi Smile



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gaiagirl20_PREV
(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

.i could teach you some thing about the internet so you wouldnt be such a newb.
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trishymcfishy




trishymcfishy

Joined:
August 7, 2008
Posts: 2

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.whoot!
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badwe




badwe

Joined:
August 21, 2008
Posts: 4

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For me one of the more challenging aspects is finding a social situation to meet new, interesting, geeky girls. Most of the events I frequent have a lackluster gender ratio. Assuming a woman actually shows up, she is often bombarded with attention, sometimes much more than she really wanted. Even if she's happy with the attention level, it leaves me the grisly task of competing with my nerd brethren. Since these events are not quite the local watering hole, most forms of advice on handling such a situation are quite moot.

Perhaps I am merely attending the wrong events. Is there a good place to find a more evenly distributed gathering of intelligent and geeky people? Ideally I would not have to deal with the threats of randomly having beer spilled on me or having to shout over loud music. Such inconveniences are only acceptable at a concert where I'm jumping around in a pit, at which point I'm unconcerned with my ability to carry an intelligent conversation.

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alcazar_PREV
(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

I might get some heat about this but there are some problems inherent to the geeky situation and (heterosexual) dating (I have no experience with homosexual dating but logically it would be easier):

1) Nerds are, by definition, non-conformist. Women are, on average, more conformist than men. This skewes the numbers negatively for guys.

Luckily this changes as people age, the older one gets, the more you don't give a crap what others think about your appearance etc. Also the whole 'I have a crush on him because all the other girls do' issue becomes less and less strong as people get older (though the mass infatuation some women display with some politicians past and present would point out differently but hey, I'm a believer Wink ).

2) Intellectual expertise isn't exactly promoted in the Western culture, meaning those who excel at it aren't seen as especially desirable/'cool'.

Combined with the conformist-streak many women display, the geeky guy is again in trouble (the number of occasions people, esp. girls, have said/shown they couldn't be friends etc. because 'it wouldn't be cool to be seen with you' are countless).

(Whether this spells 'doom' for the Western world in the long term is another discussion).

3) Nerdy passions are, by definition, not mainstream and so more difficult to 'rationalise'/ accepted by other people, especially the more conformist part of society..

Personally I stopped playing soccer when entering high-school because I found it boring, but in Dutch society it's perfectly normal to be obsessed with a game, sorry: sport, people start playing in kindergarten. You can't say the same thing about more complex games like wargaming.

4) Because of the above factors, nerds are 'conditioned' for social awkwardness.

You may be the most extravert and confident person in the world by nature, if people constantly treat you like an outsider etc. this has an effect on your behaviour and social skills. The problems this causes are most apparent, paradoxically, when certain nerdy passions become more mainstream (fantasy and computer gaming being examples): where in the past a certain akwardness was accepted whithin these sub-cultures -as all members displayed them to a lesser or greater degree, with more and more 'norms' entering one's hobby a common interest doesn't mean acceptance of these flaws anymore, with negative results for the original members.


What does the above all add up to?

This: for a more 50-50 ratio one has to focus on the more 'mainstream' passions like the Internet & try to get rid of as many 'social foibles' as is possible. Not to be rude to anyone but using deodarant is a good start, 'gamersreek' isn't very attractive (I'll let the whole pheromone issue rest Wink ) and easy to fix.

Of course, one can also decide that fitting into a cookie-cutter mold will only lead to a cookie-cutter relationship & denying one's strongest passions and desires just to 'fit in'/please the other party isn't worth it.

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ironpugilist




ironpugilist

Joined:
September 21, 2008
Posts: 4

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I've never dated a geek or a nerd before, and I am aching to know what it's like to be romantically involved with someone I'm not cautious talking about comics or video games with. I do admit that I've tried to get my past lovers to get into the same geeky stuff I'm into, but all efforts have failed.

Oh, and I have been rejected by a nerd more than once.

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